Survivor Moms
Women’s Stories of Birthing, Mothering
and Healing after Sexual Abuse

REVIEWS

Review by the Sidran Institute for Traumatic Stress Education & Advocacy, www.sidran.org

Survivor Moms: Women's Stories of Birthing, Mothering and Healing after Sexual Abuse, by Mickey Sperlich, MA, CPM, and Julia S. Seng, PhD, CNM, is a valuable compendium of information for helping survivors and health professionals better understand the impact of sexual abuse and traumatic stress on women experiencing childbearing and mothering. A combination of individuals' experiences, facts and statistics from the scientific literature, and practical information from psychological and health care disciplines, the text weaves first-person accounts with scientific data to achieve a healing blend. The end result should be improved interactions between women abuse survivors, health care providers, and mental health care providers.

Organized topically and chronologically around the birthing timetable (pregnancy, labor and birth, postpartum and breastfeeding, and mothering and attachment), the book acknowledges that childbearing has long been considered an identity-transforming step for women. The woman who has survived childhood sexual abuse has extra layers of challenge-both crisis and opportunity-to add to the transformation.

The moving and eloquent first-person narratives stem from a survey composed by a team of survivors, therapists, and midwives that asked basic questions about how sexual abuse had influenced survivors' feelings about motherhood and the birthing process. The first-person stories combine with the information nuggets in the sidebars to create a strong whole.

The overriding message is that with support of family, friends, and birthing personnel, abuse survivors can address potential problems and be healed and strengthened by the overall experience. Survey participants emphasize that recovery is a process and a journey. A helpful chapter on healing and survivorship tackles tough issues such as intimacy, family relationships, forgiveness, and the role of therapy. A resource section provides hotlines, websites, and reading matter on the various subjects addressed.

Give this book to a friend who is a sexual abuse survivor. Whether she is anticipating motherhood (or anxiously avoiding it) or already a grandmother, she will find much to ponder about this life-changing experience and how to break the cycle of abuse. A spouse or intimate partner will also find suggestions for ways to understand and support survivors.

Review by Shari Maser for Midwest Book Review

This heartrending and informative collection of women's stories and researchers' findings addresses a subject I previously knew almost nothing about. But the simple format and gentle presentation of stories and facts made an enormous amount of information easy to comprehend and process.

Survivor Moms is a courageous book that is sure to give many survivors hope and inspiration for their own journeys into motherhood. Friends and family who read it will also gain valuable insight and understanding of the challenges these women face.

Awareness is the first step to providing effective support, yet many maternity and postpartum care providers are as uninformed as I was about the prevalence and impact of sexual abuse. Thus, I believe that this book should be designated as required reading for anyone training to be an obstetrician, midwife, family practice doctor, labor and delivery nurse, doula, or childbirth educator.

Review by Amanda Topping, CPM, for The Birth Project newsletter

I first learned about this book six years ago when I was an apprentice midwife to Mickey Sperlich. She had been collecting stories, interviews, and data for years from sexual abuse survivors with the idea that she would write a book to benefit survivors and their care providers regarding care during the childbearing years.

This year, after much hard work from Mickey and Julia Seng, the book was finally born! Upon first opening it and thumbing through, I was immediately impressed with the format. The book is split into chronological (life) chapters that include: Life before Motherhood, Pregnancy, Labor and Birth, Postpartum and Breastfeeding, Mothering and Attachment, and Healing and Survivorship. I noted right away that the book was obviously written by midwives. The format was a mixture of everything I love about the midwifery model: individualized emotional sensitivity combined with evidence-based care. The writing is very sensitive, yet right on point. Each chapter contains many real vignettes from survivor's narratives that impress upon the reader the reality of sexual abuse and the true effects on its survivors. The book also contains many sidebar panels citing valid research regarding sexual abuse and how it can impact the childbearing years.

Survivor Moms was written as a resource to help health providers better care for their clients or patients and to help women [who are] abuse survivors know that they are not alone in their journeys of realization and, hopefully, healing. Reading the words that came straight from the mouths of many brave [female] survivors impresses upon the reader the reality of the women's lives and experiences. There is no simple formula to deal with these realities. Rather, we must continue to individualize the care we provide to best serve each woman and to realize that any one woman might be fine with one physical process (like a pelvic exam, for example) but might be completely traumatized by another (like breastfeeding). Survivor Moms will definitely enlighten any health provider, no matter how seasoned.

While clearly a very important book, it isn't always an easy read. The subject matter can be heart-wrenching at times, and has the potential to trigger the reader if she/he has personally experienced any form of abuse. The last pages of Survivor Moms contain a long list of resources both for survivors and care providers. There are resources for all aspects of the childbearing year, including hotlines, Web sites, books, how to find a practitioner and where to find support.

When it is estimated that one in four U.S. women have been sexually assaulted at least once in her life, a book like Survivor Moms is a real asset to all [who] care for women.

Review by Cathy Daub, President of Birth Works International (August 2008)

The effects of sexual abuse are like tentacles that work their way into the deepest part of our core being and cling there for life. They may remain hidden for years, only to surface in mysterious ways like, "I was sitting with my legs drawn up and the lamp was behind my left shoulder" and suddenly she felt the feelings when being abused as a child. In this fascinating, and well researched book, Sperlich and Seng take us through every aspect of sexual abuse and supported by numerous quotes of women who have suffered from such abuse clearly show how deep the feelings are, how they impact every aspect of life, and how to heal from it. Even though most of the quotes are from women, I was glad to see that they remind us that men can also suffer abuse.

A child who experiences sexual abuse may feel pleasure from it and this confounds the issue to the point that later in life they may not even be sure if they were abused. When they have chances, and courage to speak to their mothers, they are often ignored, not believed, or fail to receive protection. The term "damaged goods" well describes the low self-esteem suffered in women who have been abused. They feel cheapened, impure, and contaminated. "Something dies in you and you become numb," said one woman. I loved the quote in the book where the woman told her husband and he went and confronted her father and told him never to see his daughter again. There are very good men in the world. "He took a heart that was hardened to men and cracked it open."

Survivor Moms shows us again and again how the somatic sensations of sexual abuse are reflected in a tightening of the throat, or heart racing, mist in the eyes, and sweaty palms, all symptoms of fighting back panic over and over and over again in their lives well into adulthood. Some women turn to drugs and alcohol as an escape. Dissociation is another coping defense mechanism as in "You can get my body but you can't get my mind" and "I had this uncanny ability to disappear, leave my body and come back at a later point."

The degree to which posttraumatic reactions from a history of sexual abuse penetrate pregnancy, labor, and birth are clearly shown through the narratives of sexually abused women. Pelvic and vaginal exams, and having to open the body to give birth often trigger memories of sexual abuse which then interfere with the birth process itself. One suggestion given for choosing a cesarean is that a woman with a history of sexual abuse who feels unsafe to open her body to give birth may see a cesarean as her solution. Reading on to the frequent narratives, the reader can't help but feel the cascade of trauma that filters into all relations of a sexually abused woman, often affecting her ability to mother her own children effectively.

Transference and countertransference, projecting one's emotions onto another, often results in fear and behaviors misunderstood by a woman and her caregiver. Such fear can keep a labor from progressing. Sperlich and Seng discuss that with these often come surprising behaviors with associated guilt and uncomfortable feelings that easily lead to miscommunication between caregivers and pregnant women.

This excellent and comprehensive book offers hope to sexually abused women (and men). The message is that with a good and caring midwife, and with good childbirth education classes where such women can feel safe to express their fears, and with suggestions to journal and seek counseling, healing can and does occur. Women who are sexually abused do not have to remain victims the rest of their lives. A birth experience has the potential to transform any woman. When we treat women with respect and honor, when we love them unconditionally for who they are, when we praise them and help them tap into the spiritual power within, they will feel empowered in their births and in their lives and they can heal. As Olivia said, "I was strong enough to remember, strong enough to believe and trust my instincts. And I was strong enough to confront my abusers."

My heart goes out to mothers such as Catherine who are teaching their children not to keep secrets. Too often the abuse continues because children are threatened into keeping it a secret such as, "Don't tell about the game or you'll go to jail!" Silence broken leads to healing but to speak scary feelings, a woman must feel safe. To keep the feelings, the secrets inside, is to grow monsters that can never bring peace unless they are expressed. Abused women become guarded with their husbands and even their own children, having lost faith and trust in people. They are threatened to secrecy. Healing comes with feeling safe to express feelings "I allowed myself to remember and feel bad and told myself it was okay to feel bad and then to start feeling good."

The book ends with stories of women sexually abused who were able to forgive and not forgive. Margaret states, "He doesn't deserve forgiveness." In saying this, she is also saying she cannot forgive herself and this is not a healthy or healing attitude. Not to forgive, means to remain the victim. Of the women who could forgive, I felt Tara's comment to be the most realistic, "I know God wants me to forgive, and with his help I have. Some days I have to forgive all over again. It is an ongoing process." Even if it takes time, forgiveness is worth pursuing for it is the key to peace of mind and healing.